Took My Chances on a Big Jet Plane & Nothing's Been the Same,Same

In the seven months I’ve been in Thailand, I’ve experienced more backwardness, frontwardness, upwardness and sidewayzness than one can only hope to stumble upon during their time on Earth. I try and commit it all to memory, but lezbehonest, the ole cranium aint what it used to be. But here’s a few life lessons I’ve unearthed during my stint in SEAsia.

• Embrace the butt sprayer. There’s absolutely nothing third world about a little extra cleanliness downstairs, so fear not the ass-hose, my friends.
• When in doubt, smile and wave like a lunatic.
• Time in Thailand is not measured in military time; rather in ‘I’ll get to it after my nap’ time.

• There’s really no point in showering, using perfume, or defunking your wardrobe when twenty minutes later you’ll moto through an open fire and smell like BBQ pork.
• I should’ve minored in charades. I knew I was blessed with gangly appendages for a reason.
• Deter your attention away from the woman scrubbing your chicken in a bucket, with her hands. 

• There are enough pathetic looking street pups for Sarah McLachlan to make a feature-length tear-jerker.
• In America, you find a shard of bone in your soup you complain to the chef and receive a complimentary meal. In Thailand, you find a shard of bone in your soup you contemplate the safest way around ingesting this weapon, so as to not offend anyone.
• The worst possible place in traffic when hung over is the one between the garbage truck and the fish cart. Mmm Good Morning Ladiez.

• The first time I tinkled in a squatty potty without sprinkling my toes will rival the birth of my first child on the euphoria scale. 
• Asian Marketing has zero correlation to the product being sold, yet those brilliant bastards could sell me a ham sandwich from a hardware store with that dancing rooster playing the xylophone. 

• I’m continually surprised by the objects Thai people can carry on motorbike. From generations of monks to bathtubs and goats… Tim O’Brien should write a book about that. The Things they Moto’d.
• Never pass up the opportunity to drink with a group of middle-aged Thai men. Whether sipping Thai whiskey with the neighbors or a group of hairdressers outside the pharmacy, there’s nothing uninteresting about breaking cultural barriers with a little chest burning sauce. 
• Cheese is the unifier of all food groups. Thailand refuses to recognize this fact. Currently I’d ditch appendages for some QUESOOOO.
• Taco Bell’s sales are going to skyrocket upon my return. Fourth meal? Try Fifteenth meal with a side of burrito.  
• Only here can you don tie-dyed MC Hammer pants, a shirt that reads “I LOVE POOPING” and an epic mullet and not be featured on ‘People of Wal-Mart.’ 

• Cartoon, Pancake, Soccer, Neon, Jetski, Doughnut and Arm. No, I don’t have tourettes, these are a few of my favorite names of students. Cartoon may or may not have narcolepsy.
• If a grown man named ‘Bandit’ walks into the library and proceeds to sit down and shamelessly belt out notes alongside music videos on the projector, continue marking tests like it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. No sir, this is not a place of education, this is your personal shower concert and I respect your self-assurance. 

• Those days when you don’t want to work, then you’re greeted by a mob of tiny hands reaching for you from all angles, chanting your name and you can’t help but grin. It’s a beautiful thing.
• Asian kids don’t need toys; they will successfully play with my blonde arm hair for hours on end. Teacha like white bear.
• Don’t auto-tune your ecosystem. Sometimes it’s best to ditch the headphones and listen to sounds from the ground.  

• That being said, there’s a song out there for everything and if you can’t find the right words, surely someone else can. A Zeppelin a day keeps the crazy at bay.
• If you plan on throwing down some aggressive dance moves at a stoplight, make sure you’re far enough away from school that the Principal won’t be stopped next to you.
• Appreciate connections made across the world. 

• Do something that absolutely terrifies you. This may or may not involve eating a fried insect or getting on stage in front of a graduation show and dancing to Pitbull.
• We’re either running from something or searching for something, when all we really need is to stand still with our eyes closed for a while.  

• The ocean can answer most questions.
• And this fish gets life.

• We all want a connection; to someone or something. But the greatest connection is the one you find with yourself.
• But it's okay to let the drawbridge down every once in awhile. Concrete castles get lonely after awhile... let someone in. 

• People come and people go, but that’s life. The trick is to hold onto the few who lift you up and force you to be a better version of yourself; and I’m so thankful for those people in my life, near and far. Couldn’t have made this journey without your support!