So today the blog gets dualies because I've just spent the last 45 minutes making my second TV debut. I walk in from lunch when my boss smiles and goes "Wanna be on TV again?". Not unless you got me a spot on Jeopardy... I do not want to be on TV.
"What do I have to do?"
"Nothing big. Just look both ways and cross the street."
Okay seems simple enough. I thought 10 minutes max. Yeah, right, maybe if I worked for a company where employees don't wipe boogers on each other and steal lunches. In strolls Gilbert the Squirrelly camera guy who wore jorts to the last shoot but decided to dress for the summer heat today in a chic pair of black jeans. Gilby and I head down the road where he parks and we both get out. My first bus depot TV debut last month consisted of me crossing a two lane street during minimal traffic on a Sunday afternoon in a part of town unpopulated by students. This merry-go-round I had to cross the intersection between a Wendy's, the fire station and TCC... during near rush-hour... in 95 degree heat... wearing work pants and a sweater.
Gilbert the Gerbil films me crossing the road. Then tells me to do it again for a wide angle. Then tells me to do it again for a long angle. Then tells me to do it again so he can just film my feet. The tells me to look left and look right. Then tells me to do that again. Then tells me to stare into the sun. During this process I'm sweating like a 300-lb farm hand hoe-ing in overalls and flannel. Not to mention within the span of 45 minutes I recorded: 30 honks (five of which were from our own jackhole bus drivers), 15 barks, 5 hey baby's, one SLLUUUTTTTT and (my personal favorite) one spread-cheek smile from the depths of some asshole's asshole.
I was very appreciative that the student population of Tallahassee was so welcoming to an up and coming TV star. Gilbert didn't see the full moon I received from the rice-rocket full of underachieving JUCO students and asked why I stopped midstroll to flip the bird. I hope to God it's on camera. And also that the world ends before these commercials air.
Finally after 97 takes of me walking, sweating and fighting back the urge to tell the super mature Tallahassee Utilities guys who drove by 5 times making sexual swirling motions with their tongues outside the windows to 'go jump off a cliff,' Gilbert finally drives me back to the office. Dying of thirst after sweating off 15 lbs, I proceed to go to the scary vending machines in the uncarpeted area for the very first time. I am delighted when I see that the sketch-machine has Cherry Coke Zero... the most mythical of all CocaCola products. (shout out my mah giiiiirlfrannn!) So I put in my $1.50 (totally hoodwinked) and the effing cola gets stuck. Some bus drivers start laughing as I attempt to shove my arm up the vending machine's asshole and retrieve my beverage. After five minutes of struggle while five drivers playing pool watch and laugh, the fat lady in the white uniform kicks the machine and my soda is released. I grab it soda and immediately twist it open like an idiot. It, of course, explodes all over me, the floor and her white uniform.
"You're supposed to wait five minutes for the fizz to settle."
Walk it off.