Dark Room of Doom

While updating the bulletin board in the driver break room, I just eavesdropped on a 20 minute long convo about “jungle juice" between the group of dreads at the table behind me. Apparently, it’s making a big comeback in the black community. I really wish it were the Rick James geri curl and the Jazzy J flattop that were making their comebacks instead. Now I’m back in my cubicle listening to Twitchy ask how to make a PowerPoint. You type words into the slides. They’re even labeled indicating what to type where. Title=title, And so forth. How did you manage to pass the 6^th the grade? I have the strong urge to whip out my BEDINTRUDER SOUNDBOARD app and hit him with the “YOU ARE SO DUMB” sound bite so Antoine Dodson can tell him how I really feel. It’s difficult but I’m fighting the urge and the imminent termination that would follow.

I decided the other day the Gold’s Gym is PRIME TIME people watching. I could treadmill it up all day just eyeballing crazies and making hasty judgments and assumptions about their lives. I mean you’ve got anything from the black dude that stills wears his Lebron James Cavs jersey even though he ripped off LBJ’s number and name off of it (clearly in a fit of rage during “The Decision”) to the 90 lb offspring of Richard Simmons and a Leprechaun that ellipticals for four hours then transitions to the stationary bike where he pedals at a velocity so violent that the floor shakes and his ginger perm blows delicately to and fro from the bursts of wind his speedy feet create.

But the Gold’s in Tally can be a dangerous place if you aren’t aware of Gold’s etiquette 101/ haven’t taken a Krav Maga self defense class. First off, if you’re planning on doing anything that involves bending over, don’t wear spandex. Leppy with the Perm violates this rule daily. Spandex are a magnet for old men that pretend they’re lifting those 5-lb weights and not trying to channel their inner X-Ray vision while staring at my ass. Yes, dirtballs, we see you congregating around the butt blaster machine, and I’m well aware you aren’t waiting to use it next. And you would think it would be the roided out meatheads that are peep-tomming behind the stairsteppers, but they’re too busy making gorilla noises on the bench press, ‘stealthily’ using the tanning beds (we see you) and snorting protein powder in the locker room to notice female presence. Yeah, you go ahead and establish dominance lifting massive dumbbells then go home and watch Sex in the City and blow dry your hair for Mandatory (no one is going to)Makeout(with you) Monday's. Personally, I’m more worried about the overweight old guy in the sweatpants and undershirt sweating profusely while doing nothing or the scrawny Mexican man in the wifebeater and Jynco jorts than the calfless juice machines. I always wonder if the aforementioned subjects are actually working toward a healthier lifestyle or if they just spend 30 bucks a month to creepily watch college chicks jog in sports bras and shorty shorts. Yeah, that’s a real brain buster.

Another thing that makes me nervous is why some dumbass building designer suggested the circuit room be completely dark with solely black lights illuminating the awful neon graffiti murals on the black walls. I understand you are easily amused by bright colors and shiny things, but I am a bit frightened that there is a large chocolate man living in the corner that periodically grabs women who become lost forever in the dark abyss. Kind of like the Bermuda Triangle without the water or ships or pirates… okay that was a terrible comparison. But my harmless ab routine could easily become the next FSU Crime Bulletin.

“Victim was unaware of suspect’s presence until she heard the sound of heavy breathing coming from the set of neon purple teeth floating behind her. No, it was not the Cheshire Cat on a sexual crime spree, some idiot put a pitch black hole of doom in a gym and invited young college girls to get sweaty in it. Suspect description: see previous Crime Bulletin emails.”

Solid interior design plan. Make a super dark room and put all the machines girls use in it. Safety first!